Since I’ve came back from my travels on the other side of the world, I’ve felt torn apart. On one side there is the person that takes risks, that tasted the flavour of the true journey that leads ahead of him, a person that is wise, that goes after what he desires with heartfelt intensity and has a deep connection with his soul.
But then I came back and I got sucked into culture. I don’t want to make any excuses or give away my responsibility, because I’ve let myself get sucked into culture, particularly in the negative sides of culture. And now it is clear to me that I had to. I had to get sucked into culture because there are clearly parts of me that layed in the shadows of my life and now surfaced again. Another side of me came out, which is a person that is afraid to try new things, which is lazy and loves the comfort zone he created for himself.
A New Chapter Began
I remember the day after I came back, I visited a good friend of mine whom I’ve known since first grade and I created wachaufmenschheit.de (my german website) with. When I talked to him on the phone, he said he was with a couple friends of his chilling in the garage of one of the guys, who inherited a house from his grandma and now repurposed the garage to make it a place where him and his friends could hang.
So I drove with my bike (which I had dearly missed :D) to his place. I felt great and just pulsated energy which I had gathered throughout the wonderful experiences I’ve had in Australia, New Zealand and Thailand. Not only the experiences, but the overall energy in these countries had deeply impacted me. I walked towards the door, opened it with my right hand and entered the garage. What then happened, was like a rite of passage in retrospective. Entering that door wasn’t just opening a door, it was the opening of a new chapter in the story of my life.
So I stepped into the room, looked to the right and saw them chilling there, smoking a few joints and talking. Nothing extraordinary. But it wasn’t what they were doing that felt so strange to me, it was the whole energy of the situation. It felt like a lightbulb had just entered a room full of darkness. There was a major dissonance that created tension in me. Of couse I was happy and grateful to see my friend again the other people too weren’t unfriendly. But still there was a dissonance in me. A dissonance that I had already felt the day before, when, after 30 hours of flying, my plane landed and I walked into the Dusseldorf airport, when I entered the train to see my home again after a year of transformation. It was like a thick layer of clouds that seemed to seperate the people from each other and especially themselves from their true expression. The dark aspects of the german culture personified: distance, coldness and headiness.
I chilled a bit in the garage, but to be honest I couldn’t stay long. It seemed like every minute of staying in the garage sucked more energy out of me. So after maybe an hour I left again and felt a big relief once I could breath the fresh air again.
But riding home I had something on my mind, a big “FUCK, this country seems to have been clouded with negativity even more. I really don’t know if I can live here for all my life.” Surely this negativity isn’t shared by everyone and there are people and places here where creativity and passion for life dominate, but my overall impression solidified in the following days and weeks since my return.
Jumping Into The Hole That Was Created
Because of this dissonance I retreated inwards. Fortunately I had a goal, so the depression that followed in the winter didn’t eat me alive. I worked a lot on creating my website and getting the ball rolling so I will be able to earn money with what I love, but in my free time I started to go out less and only a few people that I resonated with and that could understand me and my deep nature of looking at things. I spent more and more time alone at home, oftentimes falling in a deep hole. To distract from the hole that opened in myself, I spent more time in the internet. A world where I could watch, read and listen to people that were in touch with their emotions, that took risks in their lifes and had a passion that radiated through the screen and touched my heart. I felt a connection that I most of the time couldn’t find when I walked around the streets.
And so my energy that I had gathered in a year of sun and fun slowly retreated. In respective that was what had to happen, but at that time I often felt depressed and sad about it. But sooner or later it always happens, your frequency tunes to the frequency of the place you live in. However, since I also had people like Alan Watts, Elliott Hulse or Ram Dass, or my best friend Jonathan, who raised my frequency every time I came in contact with them, as well as the outlet of my creative expression – writing – the passionate, wise and inspiring traits of my heart came through too.
Because of these two different frequencies I tapped into, I felt torn apart. Torn apart between my heart which desired transcendence and passion, and my conditioned head, which wanted comfort and found excuses to shift goals and plans into the future and oftentimes acted as a barrier to my progression.
Of course, because of my inner dissonance, I injured myself and I couldn’t even really do sports, which acted as an outlet for my pent up energy and a means to raise my vibrations since I was a child.
All this led me to a hard time in my life, but it also led me within. Since my energy retreated from expression to depression, I could use my time and energy to examine my life and dive into my shadows. In this physical winter but also my inner winter, I was able to identify what drags me down and what prevents the full expression of God though me. I found out that it was the male side of me that I have to work on if I want to awaken to my full potential in this life. This male side lacked: discipline, persistence, deciciveness and devotion.
The personification of my male side, my father, also lacks these traits, his father does too and so does the father of my father of my father. The whole ancestral line of my male side were cursed with this spell of a depressed male energy and it continues in me. I don’t know if it’s true but I like to believe it is: It is said that when you dissolve these “spells” of your ancestral line, you don’t only liberate yourself, but your whole ancestral line, since this ancestral line is a manifestation of the same energy and once this manifestation is understood and transcended, another barrier that hindered the return to God (love, the universe, insert other name here) is broken.
What I try to convey with this story is this:
You might feel torn apart, depressed and low-energy sometimes. You might feel like you don’t fit in with your environment and there is a subtle dissonance that is appearing in in certain places with certain people.
But life showed me that it always works the same. You go into the darkness so you can meet and identify your shadows. In my case it was the shadow side of the male energy (especially of the warrior archetype) that manifested itself in and around me.
There is always, always something that wants to be seen in the dark times of your life. And not running away anymore and facing it is the first step.
Now I am beyond grateful for this dark period I’ve had since I came back and I finally know what I want to dive into in the next period of my life. For me, the journey of becoming a true man has begun.
Sometimes you have to be torn apart to be fused together again as a new and stronger version of yourself.