Everything that I thought was real crumbles to pieces.
Sometimes there are moments where I think I am through, the storm from yesterday has passed and I relax again, going slowly after the tasks I want to do.
But this doesn’t work anymore. My life is picking up speed. The chances of yesterday are not coming back. Every woman with whom I haven’t taken that final step, every opportunity to learn something new that I haven’t taken. All of them are gone. All because of two things:
Either it was the thought that there will come another opportunity, lethargy really, and on the other side there was fear. A fear of being seen failing. A fear of being rejected. But really deep down? A fear of the unknown.
It was the fear of my own depth. What would happen? I didn’t know and I didn’t want to do that dive into the unknown. I am a creator and I created myself a safety net. I created myself a job where I didn’t have a lot of responsibilities. And every time when the Moment came where I could have gone into the Unknown… I DIDN’T FUCKING GO.
So many opportunities missed. My inner child is screaming and crying. It just wanted to live and have fun. Have sex with that woman. Go on that bus to Sweden with my friends and see where it takes me.
Now I am in a new phase of my life where I have to adapt more responsibilities and seeing that I have waisted these precious years of my life eats me up alive. I am crying right now.
But is it too late to do these things? Am I limiting myself with beliefs that are not true here? I am 24. I can have many more adventures, if I CHOOSE to do so.
My future is not predetermined. I have read too many things about when people should do what. I can dive into the Unknown in every moment. Every day there are new doors opening.